Paige Finkelman would like to teach you how to rob her—or any victim—more efficiently next time.

“Communication is essential,” Paige, who will speak at tonight’s Ignite Bay Area | Women Innovators, said. (Web 2.0 Expo is a sponsor of the event.) “It makes the experience for the muggee less painful.”

Although the 5-minute talk focuses on her mugging experience, Paige also intends to examine how communication can break down and escalate into conflict, whether it be with coworkers, friends, or family. As was the case with her mugging, lack of communication resulted in physical violence.

“I didn’t know what was happening because I was attacked from behind,” she said. “I didn’t know she was mugging me.”

While walking home from the grocery store through San Francisco’s Mission District last October, Paige felt a hand touch the back of her head. She assumed it was a friend playing a trick. The would-be mugger then grabbed a chunk of Paige’s hair, whirled her around and punched her in the face, leaving her with a “joker black eye.” Paige clung tightly to her laptop bag in an almost instinctive response to the hitting, which became a full-on beating. She realized later, long after the female assailant had left, that the target had been the computer.

“She didn’t communicate clearly to me that she wanted my things,” Paige said. If the mugger had first communicated what she wanted—and given an ultimatum involving violent consequences—both her and Paige could have had a win-win situation: The mugger would have gotten the laptop, and Paige would have avoided the beating and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Besides, laptops are easily replaced. “I’m insured, I’m employed; what do I have to lose?” she said.

In response to her experience, Paige created “A New Way to Mug” for robbers to follow:

1. State the other person’s behavior: “She has a laptop, and she’s just walking around with it.”
2. State your emotional response: “That pisses me off. I want that laptop.”
3. State choices to the other person as a result of your emotional response: “If you don’t give me that laptop I’m going to get violent.”

Although the example for these three steps involves muggers, Paige believes they should be applied much more broadly. “This can be used in any situation requiring negotiation,” she said.

For instance, imagine your boss gives you a deadline for a project you know needs more time. 1) State the other person’s behavior: “The boss has given me a deadline that isn’t realistic if we want a quality product.” 2) State how that makes you feel. “This makes me anxious.” 3) State choices to the other person as a result of your emotional response. “Boss, I am anxious this deadline as it stands will force us to cut back on important features. If you give me 4 more days I can deliver a much higher quality product.”

The important thing to remember, Paige said, is that the person cannot “make” you feel anything—your response to your boss could have been ambivalence; “It’s not my fault the product will suck. Oh well.”

Paige did not make the mugger feel angry—that was simply her response to Paige’s behavior.  When in a negotiation or conflict, say things such as “While you were doing this, this is how I felt.” People aren’t mind readers, and if you want to resolve issues with them you need to be straightforward with your feelings and what you want out of the discussion.

“Articulating your emotional response to another’s behavior enables the person – who can’t read your mind – to respond, which in turn leads to conflict resolution,” she said.

Paige’s Ignite talk won’t be the only how-to or communications-focused speech of the evening. Ignite has gathered together an impressive list of speakers including

• Software expert Sarah Allen
• UI and communications specialist Liat Berdugo
• She’s Geeky’s Kaliya Hamlin
• Ritual Roasters’ Eileen Hassi
• G-dcast director Sarah Lefton
• Neighborgoods’ Micki Krimmel
• Code for America’s Jen Pahlka
• InDinero and Cal’s Arielle Patrice Scott
• SF Weekly’s Alexia Tsotsis
• Altimeter Group’s Deb Schultz
• EA Games/Maxis’ Caryl Shaw
• Filmmaker Tiffany Shlain

Although the event is sold out, you can watch it live here. Be sure to tune in to hear all the great speakers. If you’ll be there in person, be sure to say hello!

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Kaitlin Pike is the Web 2.0 Expo community manager. She can be reached @w2e

Paige Finkelman is a writer and public speaker. She runs the blog Torn Paige and can be reached @peepf

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